


Happy Accidents

by turntechSleepyhead



Category: Homestuck
Genre: (eventually) - Freeform, Accidental Baby Acquisition, Alternate Universe - No Sburb Session, F/M, Kid Fic, M/M, Multi, Polyamory, Roxy Lalonde/Dirk Strider Moirallegiance, also i guess, but that tag was too good to pass up, it is technically an accidental pregnancy, john isn't in the first chapter bc this is focused mostly on roxy and dirk
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-27
Updated: 2017-01-17
Packaged: 2018-05-29 12:55:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,766
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6375607
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/turntechSleepyhead/pseuds/turntechSleepyhead
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"TT: For what it's worth, I'm picturing them now. A boy and a girl.<br/>TT: Two perfect little freaks of nature raised by people who've clearly got no business bringin' up anybody."</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Technically this is for a class, which is why my other fics have gone neglected for the last couple of months (I am very, truly sorry, but they WILL resume shortly). BUT, bonus for anyone reading this, it will have a fairly regular update schedule because there's literally a due date on it. Which means it will be posted in full by May.
> 
> This comes from a prompt I wrote for myself: "i want a fic where dirk and roxy are best friends in high school and they fool around with each other figuring out their sexualities but dirk realizes that he’s not attracted to girls and that’s okay with roxy bc she loves him anyway but then she finds out she’s pregnant with twins and they have the most dysfunctional family on the planet"
> 
> whiiiiich obviously is rooted in that pesterlog we're all so familiar with, but also [this one.](http://www.mspaintadventures.com/ACT6ACT5ACT1x2COMBO.php?s=6&p=007732)
> 
> Sorry for the long AN! Reviews and constructive criticism are appreciated!

Lying in bed, tangled together in her pink, cat-patterned sheets, Roxy Lalonde was floating on a cloud of bliss propelled by the after effects of sex and booze. She didn’t fully remember how she and Dirk had ended up in her room in the first place, but she wasn’t complaining. She and Dirk had been best friends since they were twelve, and there was no one in the whole world who was more important to her. Maybe this was the obvious next step for the two of them that she had never hoped to dream for.

The blankets tightened around her sticky skin as she felt Dirk adjusting beside her.

“Rox. Roxy, I think I’m gay.”

“Oh, Dirk, I’m glad I could be of servish to u on ur journey ‘f sexual discovery,” she slurred out. She was still a little too drunk to be upset, and too good of a friend. “ ‘still love you,” she added. She couldn’t stop herself from being disappointed though. She loved Dirk and rejection stung like a bitch. She had really hoped she could chalk up Dirk’s awkward fumbling to nerves, inexperience, and alcohol.

The next couple of days were a little awkward, and they did a little bit of tiptoeing, but they settled back into their routine soon enough. The two of them had a good, long feelings jam and worked out all of their tensions. Roxy was obviously a little melancholy but friendship trumps romantic longings any day of the week. Besides, there were so many boys in the world who _weren’t_ Dirk Strider. So many. Especially since when they graduated in two months, there would be _college boys_.

A few weeks later, it happened. Dirk was sitting in his room, trying to figure out how to put a microwave back together, when Roxy called him.

She was crying when she told Dirk that she thought she was pregnant, and he almost dropped the phone. Roxy took three pregnancy tests, and then she took three more. All positive.

Roxy’s parents weren’t happy. They wanted her to get an abortion, but she wanted to keep her baby. They gave her an ultimatum and she knew she had to leave. College in the fall was no longer on the table. Roxy had to give up her scholarship and get a part-time job. Dirk wasn’t going to school anyway; he already had some work as a mechanic lined up until he figured out what to do with his life.

They decided to move in together as soon as they scraped some extra cash together. Right after graduation, they signed a lease on a one-bedroom apartment that looked like it was built in nineteen forty three. It had a small kitchenette and peeling wallpaper and floral patterned carpet, but it was home, for the time being. Roxy wanted to self-study but didn’t want to commit to anything official because she knew things were going to get harder in a couple of months. Instead, she got a part time job doing entry-level IT work. Mostly she fixed office computers over the phone.

“Did you try turnin’ it off ‘n on again?” That actually worked about fifty percent of the time. Also sometimes people’s’ monitors weren’t plugged in, or something like that. It wasn’t exactly rocket science, which she honestly would have been more suited to.

Dirk worked for the summer as a mechanic, opened an etsy shop for puppets that were ambiguously sexual in nature, and kept on building robots. He also made a joke youtube channel for his pornographic puppets.

Roxy eventually quit her IT job because 1) it was awful and 2) she was just too damn pregnant to work there with no benefits and no maternity leave. Her skills were wasted on that trash-hole anyway.

They never expected that the thing that would start bringing in money was the goddamn puppet porn. Dirk had really been trying to get some patents and a startup going for the robots, when out of the blue he started getting etsy orders out the ass for the smutty puppets. Smuppets. So he trademarked that shit and started his own website, combining smuppet sales with the videos in one place.

“Dirk, no.”

“Um, Dirk yes, I think is the thing you meant to say.”

“Nooooo. I don’t wanna pay for hospital bills with dirty puppet money.”

“Do you know how much it costs to monitor and subsequently birth a fresh human. Do you?”

“Ugh, fine, have it ur way bro. We’ll use the smuppet funds.”

And so began their first trip to the doctor. It was time to do an ultrasound, which they’d been putting off because of their financial situation.

“Congratulations!” the doctor said, mostly to Roxy. “They’re both completely healthy.”

“You’ve gotta be fuckin’ kidding me,” they said in unison. After that, the doctor’s office devolved into chaos. They both had meltdowns, in their own ways. Roxy just kept talking frantically about how she couldn’t handle the responsibility of _one_ , much less two children, while Dirk completely shut down, like someone had flipped his off switch.

Eventually, Roxy got ahold of herself and guided Dirk from the clinic. Two babies. A boy and a girl, apparently. Hopy shit.

 

 

“So, have you thought of any names yet?” Dirk asked her one night. 

“Hmmmmmmmm,” she replied, pausing her video game. “I dunno, something badass I guess.”

“Oh god, Roxy, what are you thinking.”

“I refuse to say anything until the time comes,” she answered with a grin.

“Oooooorr,” she continued. “We could each name one.”

“We each name a baby, no concessions, negotiations, or take-backs?” The idea is both dangerous and tempting. “Alright.”

 

 

Roxy went into labor at the beginning of December, during an especially chilly night. She gave birth on either side of midnight, so they were born on two different days technically. Roxy thought it was nice that they would have separate birthdays, December third and fourth.

Dave and Rose, they had decided (separately of course). On the way to the hospital, they had presented each other with elaborate pre-prepared envelopes revealing their name choices. Though in her delirious stupor, Roxy accidentally switched their middle names on the birth certificates, which no one noticed until it was too late. 

The certificates read: Dave Elizabeth Strider and Rose Geromy Lalonde. Oops.

Oh well. Both babies were healthy and fully in-tact as far as either of them could tell, and that was enough for them.

 

 

The adjustment was even bigger than either of them anticipated. They never got any sleep, because if one baby woke up, so would the other one. Usually Dave, the noisy little shit, was first to start screaming; Rose, however, was an eerily quiet baby and it was honestly a little off-putting. She would just stare at her parents, expressionless and totally unreadable. Dirk was so proud.

He decided straight-away that there was no way he could handle being called “Dad” or any fatherly equivalent for that matter.

“I think I’m going to have them call me ‘Bro’,” he announced.

“You can’t be serious!” Roxy replied. She laughed and laughed beyond the point of acceptable behavior because she was probably headed towards a mental breakdown in all honesty. “Dirk, having them call you something different is _not_ going to change the fact that you are kind of their dad!”

“You see right through my well-constructed facade,” he sighed. It was more true than he liked to think. “It doesn’t change my mind though.”

“You’re damn right I do, mister! Don’t you dare think you can just shirk your parental responsibilities because I will not put up with any of that shit, dude. Hahaha, shirk rhymes with Dirk. Shirky-Dirky.”

“I promise to be a responsible and fully present parental figure until the end of time if those words never come out of your mouth in that order ever again.”

“Aye-aye cap’n!”

“Are we pirates now?”

“Of frickin course we’re pirates! Ravagin’ the seven seas ‘n all that jazz. All aboard the S.S. Strilonde! This is a mutiny bc I changed my mind. I’m the captain now. It’s gonna be a bumpy ride. Rough seas ‘n whatnot. Man ur battlestations motherfuckers! ”

Dirk smiled fondly at her. He had no doubt that she was right. Shit was about to get tough, but they would handle it together.

“Aye-aye, cap’n.”


	2. Chapter 2

The two unprepared parents fell into a steady routine. The steady march of time turned weeks to months and months to years. The twins grew as time went on, passing the major milestones that come with growing up: sitting, crawling, first words. Dave said his first word at the arguably freakish young age of six months. Roxy was mortified when Dave opened his mouth and said “Bwo,” indicating that he wanted Dirk.

“Ha! In your face, Lalonde,” was Dirk’s triumphant response. Roxy replied that Dave was probably just making random noises, and he probably didn’t mean “bro.” 

Rose waited a lot longer than her (slightly) older brother to speak. Dirk and Roxy had actually become concerned because by age two, Dave was an insufferable chatterbox, and Rose had yet to say a word. Then one day, out of the blue, she said “father, may I please have my squiddle?” And that was that.

The toddlers turned into children, and soon it was time for kindergarten. Dirk and Roxy had moved into a roomy three bedroom apartment in a much better part of town. The smuppet business had bizarrely brought in a ton of cash and they had already started squirreling some away for future college funds.

They were both so busy that a rift started to grow between them. Dirk was always working on side projects and odd-jobs, and Roxy was so busy with Dave and Rose that she didn’t have time for anything else. She started drinking during the day just to calm her nerves. It was just a glass of wine or two at first, but it quickly turned into three or four at a time.

They didn’t fight exactly. It’s not like there was a real romantic relationship between them that was deteriorating, but Roxy felt like her best friend was drifting away from her. When Dirk stopped working, he took over kid-watching duty so Roxy could sleep. It had gotten easier since the twins were getting older, but the years had worn on the both of them. They hadn’t had much contact with any of their friends since high school, and neither of them had dated anyone since they moved in together.

“Hey Dirk,” Roxy said one day after dropping the twins off at school. “I’m thinkin about goin back to college may b. And by ‘back’ I mean go there for the first time at all. I mean, hey, Dave n Rosie will b at school now all day, n I’ve got nothin better to do…”

“Hell yeah, that sounds like a great idea, Rox. If anyone deserves to get what they want, it’s you. You go be a rocket scientist or whatever you were planning on doing.”

“I was actually thinking about physics and computer science,” she revealed soberly. She had put a lot of thought into this decision and Dirk’s support was so relieving. She had briefly considered pursuing creative writing, because you don’t necessarily need a degree for that, but the wizard fanfiction was just a fun hobby, and she wanted to keep it that way.

Dirk was just happy that she would have something productive to do. He knew it’d been hard on her to play housewife while he was constantly working on side-projects and robotics. She thought he didn’t notice the empty bottles piling up in the trash, or the way she smelled sometimes when he got home from a long day of work. He hoped the classes would help, but if not, they’d need to have a serious talk.

She enrolled in a local community college right after that. She had gotten some of the gen-ed’s out of the way through college credit in high school, and then she tested out of lower level math, so she was thankfully allowed to enroll into a couple of mid-level science courses. 

It was on the first day of her physics lecture that she noticed him. Bright blue eyes met pink and that was it. She was smitten. Smitten with this very attractive vaguely Asian-looking guy in her class. She really had the worst luck. Who had time for this crap? She had two children for crying out loud.

He had been sitting one row in front of her and she had seen him typing some truly horrendous code into his laptop. She didn’t know whether or not to correct him. She figured it would be rude to butt in and decided to let him figure out his own mistakes. Unfortunately he made a mistake so bad that his computer would actually crash if he ran that code so she _had_ to say something. Out of moral obligation.

She wrote him a note that just said plz dont run that or ur comp will xplode xoxo ur welcome. When he had turned around to question her, she would swear to god there was a spark. Unfortunately for her, she was in a platonic friend-marriage with the gay horse-boy, and she wasn’t sure if she was ready to date yet. The twins were too young and it would just make things hard. Le sigh. 

“Le sigh,” she said as she stepped into the apartment.

“Oh, no. What’s got you sighing in French?” Dirk replied.

“A boyyy,” she said, sighing again. “I need a drink.”

“No you don’t. Come here, you lush,” he said, patting the spot next to him on the couch. “Tell me about it.”

Dirk ran his fingers through her hair and assured her that it was okay if she liked someone. He wasn’t going anywhere and it wasn’t exactly going to destroy their family if she dated a little bit. Hell, at least one of them would be getting some romantic fulfillment.

So Roxy did it. She talked to the boy in class some more. His name turned out to be John. He was a biology major and just two years younger than Roxy. They exchanged information and eventually she asked him on a date.  


They went to the movies, which was quite the experience because John was _very_ enthusiastic about his sub-par movies. They were the only ones in the theater and they laughed and made fun of the script and terrible acting together, throwing popcorn at the screen and barely managing to not get kicked out. And then suddenly they were kissing. Roxy hadn’t kissed anyone in so, so long. She had made out a couple of times with Dirk over the years, but that was really more because they were both lonely than because they actually wanted to.

This was different than that. Kissing John felt so natural and warm and right. They had an easy comfort between them that she hadn’t really experienced before. She really didn’t want to ruin it.

“Hey, John,” she said, breaking their kiss. “I have something I gotta tell u. It’s really important okay? Like, important x 1000.”

“Yeah?”

“Uughhh, this is gonna be such a deal-breaker, but I really like you so I gotta say it. The reason I started college so late is bc I got pregnant right at the end of high school and couldn’t go.”

“Oh, wow. That is big. I need a second to process that. Okay. Processing done. So, you have a kid?”

“Two.”

“Are they twins?”

“Yeah. A boy and a girl.” Roxy couldn’t help but smile to herself. 

“Definitely not a deal-breaker. A little bit surprising, but I like you too. A lot! And it’s not like you’re proposing marriage or anything, right? If things get serious, then we can decide what to do about that. But we won’t even be graduating for at least a couple of years. That’s plenty of time!”

They dated for a while before John met the twins. Roxy didn’t think it would be good to introduce them to someone who she might not be with, but things didn’t seem to be slowing down at any discernable rate.

Both of the twins absolutely loved John, though Dave refused to admit it. He took one look at him and said “lame” before turning back to his video game. John read a story to Rose, even though she informed him that she was capable of reading it herself. When he asked her what she wanted him to read, she suggested the DSM-V, which she had been making her way through. He opted to read her Harry Potter instead, which inspired a newfound love for wizardry and witchcraft in her.

After Rose lost interest in him, he tried again with Dave.  
“I like your sunglasses,” he tried.

“Bro gave them to me.”

“Bro?” He inquired.

“His dad,” Roxy supplied. “We live together but we’re not in a relationship. He’s just my bff. He’s working rn but I think it’d b great if you guys could meet.”

“He calls his dad Bro?” John was incredulous.

“It’s just their way,” she said with a shrug. “I don’t pretend 2 understand them. We should totes all hang out sometime tho.”

“Yeah, sure!”

John was feeling pretty good about things in general. And then when he tried to get himself a drink from the fridge, he ended up buried in a pile of shitty swords.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry I've had this on my computer for almost a year....... OTL It's because this is the version I submitted to class and it was kind of a rushed thing so I always meant to rewrite it and I never got to it... there are also some scenes I really wanted to write that never made it in so even though this is complete, maybe I'll write a short follow-up or epilogue to this. I'm sorry it's so short, but HEY it's done right?? -eyebrow wiggling3

After his first visit. John started coming over more and more to spend time with Roxy and the twins. During these visits, Dirk was always mysteriously absent. John suggested jokingly that Roxy was hallucinating him. Maybe he didn’t exist at all.

“Hahaha, yeah right. It’s actually me who has a penchant for puppets and anime, John. I just didn’ kno how to tell u,” she said between laughs. He was right though. In all the times she’d invited John back to the apartment, they hadn’t seen Dirk once.

TG: i know wat u r doing mister  
TT: I have no idea what you could possibly mean.  
TG: don’t be coy with me, strider i kno wat u r up to  
TG: u are intentionally not being here when john is here  
TG: u are AVOIDING this lil meet n greet  
TG: i don’t know how u know when he’s comin over bt 1 of these days i will catch u by surprise i s2g  
TG: distri???  
TT: I was just…  
TT: trying to give you space. I guess?  
TT: It’s not that I thought you didn’t want me around, but  
TG: EXCEPT THAT U TOTALLY DID  
TG: U R NOT GETTING REPLACED U TURNIP  
TT: Turnip?  
TG: i dunno it just felt rite, dirk  
TG: u R a turnip  
TG: i g2g rn bc john looks p done entertaining the babs but we r not done with this talk ok?  
TT: Yeah, alright. 

Dirk sighed. It’s not actually that he thought he was being replaced. He just knew that this relationship with John would be better for Roxy than whatever was happening with him. He didn’t think Roxy would ever intentionally replace him. He was just letting it happen on purpose. 

Dirk had taken years of her life away. He knew it wasn’t his fault and that she loved Dave and Rose more than anything, but this wasn’t the life she should have had.

Eventually, Dirk did meet John, and it wasn’t as bad as he had thought it would be. John was nice and thoughtful and caring and supportive and pretty much every single thing that Dirk couldn’t ever hope to be for her.

And on top of all that, despite his own feelings, Dirk actually liked him. It was relieving to know that he really cared about Roxy, even though he could be a little dense sometimes.

At first, he didn’t really know how to act around John. Their situation wasn’t exactly a traditional family model. Pretty soon though, John was pretty much all up in his business approximately 100% of the time.

They started hanging out on their own without Roxy sometimes. They hadn’t planned on it but John stopped by for an impromptu visit when Roxy wasn’t in the house and just decided to stick around. Since then, John had been stopping by to watch anime and then argue about it with Dirk. 

John was a steady bright spot in the chaos of Dirk’s life. He kept him centered and grounded in a way that he hadn’t been for a long, long time.

 

The moment he realized he had feelings for John, he absconded and didn’t come back until he absolutely had to. He went back to ignoring John and sequestering himself in his room.

He ignored John harder than he’d ever ignored anything in his entire life. But there he fucking was. In the apartment. Wearing dumb T-shirts. Laughing that stupid laugh.

Maybe if he had met John before Roxy, things would be different. Probably not though.

Roxy confronted him about it, of course. She always did. She always poked and prodded until she got his feelings out of him.

She told him it was alright and said something to the effect of omg u guys are both so obtuse i’m gonna have to smack your heads together. n by heads i mean faces. n by faces i mean lips.

Apparently she had also had a long talk with John on the subject. He was freaked out at first because he was afraid she’d think he wanted to cheat on her, which was totally not the case. The truth was, she loved both of them a whole lot and this scandalous development made things a lot easier on her. So they all came to the agreement together that Roxy and Dirk were both dating John. Separately, but also sort of together.

Dirk had never considered polyamory as a solution before, because he had never considered that his needy, jealous ass could handle sharing a person. But it was Roxy. He would do anything for Roxy, and he didn’t feel jealous of her relationship with John, because it was there before he had even liked John. His feelings developed around their relationship. He loved them both differently but equally.

It helped that the kids both loved John too. After a couple of months, John moved into the apartment officially, because, hey, all his stuff was there anyway.

The one thing they couldn’t decide was how to split up the bedrooms.


End file.
